Friday, February 24, 2012


I'm exhausted.  I've been dealing with one illness after another and as if that wasn't enough I am living with an alcoholic crackhead psychopath.  I am physically and emotionally drained.  I want to crawl under my blankets and hide - for a month!  Unfortunately time stops for no one and I don't have the luxury of just shutting down and giving up.  I am at my wits end.  I don't think it's fair that I have to deal with the fact that I have a ticking time bomb inside of me.  I don't like the fact that there is are tumors growing inside me.  It terrifies me to know that one day this particular tumor could just all of a sudden burst and I could bleed to death.  It is equally terrifying to know that at any moment this benign tumor could turn malignant and I could end up with cancer and it pisses me off to know that even when this tumor is removed that the chances of developing cancer are just as great.  It makes me even angrier to think back on how many of my family members, how many of the people I loved the most have died at the hands of this insidious disease.  I don't understand how or why they were taken when they had such a passion for life.  They were good people, raised and supported their families, and loved God.  I know I shouldn't question these things, but I just can't wrap my head around it, especially when I think about my uncle who just passed not too long ago.  I'm still angry.  I'm still heartbroken.  I'm being tortured and tormented by my psychotic brother who hates himself and his life and has a major death wish and yet God won't take him, but God keeps taking away everyone I love.  Why couldn't he have taken him instead?  Is it wrong of me to wish him dead?  To wish it had been him instead of everyone else?  I have always tried to be a good person, a good Christian.  I have always tried to forgive and make amends but this time I can't.  I can't forgive him.  I can't forgive him for what he put me or my parents through.  I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him. I hate him and everyday my hatred continues to grow.  Why can't God just let me be happy just once?  Why did he have to let him come back?  Why couldn't he have taken him?  He takes everything for granted and doesn't deserve anything he has.  Just go away already and let me live my life.