Thursday, April 5, 2012

Another chance

So I can't believe my ex is back in my life.  It's been about a week now and we've been talking again.  It's nothing too serious yet but we're actually being civil to each other and for once we're not fighting, screaming, or cursing at each other.  I'm happy.  After we broke up 2 years ago I never thought we'd get back together and now that he's back I feel like we have a new chance and I don't want to take this for granted.  I know we've had our share of bad times, but I've always felt like he was the one.  Maybe we just weren't ready to be together, maybe it just wasn't the right time.  Maybe now that we've grown and matured, maybe now we're finally ready for a real relationship - to finally be together.  I don't know if it's God's will for us to be together, but I do know that God must have brought him back in my life for a reason... He was my one true love and I still love him... all I can do is pray and take things one day at a time... IMYILY <3

Friday, February 24, 2012


I'm exhausted.  I've been dealing with one illness after another and as if that wasn't enough I am living with an alcoholic crackhead psychopath.  I am physically and emotionally drained.  I want to crawl under my blankets and hide - for a month!  Unfortunately time stops for no one and I don't have the luxury of just shutting down and giving up.  I am at my wits end.  I don't think it's fair that I have to deal with the fact that I have a ticking time bomb inside of me.  I don't like the fact that there is are tumors growing inside me.  It terrifies me to know that one day this particular tumor could just all of a sudden burst and I could bleed to death.  It is equally terrifying to know that at any moment this benign tumor could turn malignant and I could end up with cancer and it pisses me off to know that even when this tumor is removed that the chances of developing cancer are just as great.  It makes me even angrier to think back on how many of my family members, how many of the people I loved the most have died at the hands of this insidious disease.  I don't understand how or why they were taken when they had such a passion for life.  They were good people, raised and supported their families, and loved God.  I know I shouldn't question these things, but I just can't wrap my head around it, especially when I think about my uncle who just passed not too long ago.  I'm still angry.  I'm still heartbroken.  I'm being tortured and tormented by my psychotic brother who hates himself and his life and has a major death wish and yet God won't take him, but God keeps taking away everyone I love.  Why couldn't he have taken him instead?  Is it wrong of me to wish him dead?  To wish it had been him instead of everyone else?  I have always tried to be a good person, a good Christian.  I have always tried to forgive and make amends but this time I can't.  I can't forgive him.  I can't forgive him for what he put me or my parents through.  I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him. I hate him and everyday my hatred continues to grow.  Why can't God just let me be happy just once?  Why did he have to let him come back?  Why couldn't he have taken him?  He takes everything for granted and doesn't deserve anything he has.  Just go away already and let me live my life.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Amy Sargent

Pissed off and need to vent!

Amy Sargent, you are an evil, hateful, and spiteful bitch.  You have been the bane of my existence since the day I met you and I hope you rot in hell.  I know it is wrong to hate and the bible clearly says that I should love my enemies but I hate you.  I hate you with every fiber of my being.  I don't know what it is about me that you don't like or what you have against me but you have disliked me since the day I first entered your classroom.  You have graded me harder than was necessary and have taken points off all of my papers even though I have followed your guidelines and rules to the tee.  With one single stroke of your pen you have single-handedly threatened to ruin my entire academic career.  I still don't understand how you could have given me an F on my final project when I know for a fact that I didn't deserve anything less than a B, but then how could you even understand what it is like to go to graduate school full-time and still have to take care of your elderly father who is suffering from Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, all the while dealing with an alcoholic brother, depression and a whole host of other illnesses and the very real possibility of having liver cancer?  I guess you wouldn't know what it's like now would you, you ignorant bitch?

This isn't just sour grapes or me having a temper tantrum.  I am sick and tired of people thinking they can just walk all over me and thinking they are going to get away with it.  I am literally sick and tired and don't have the time or the patience to deal with this nonsense.