Friday, December 23, 2011


It's been a week since my uncle passed.  I find myself spiraling deeper and deeper into an abyss of which I am unable to escape.  My depression has spiraled out of control.  I've resorted to taking every pill imaginable to try and ease some of this pain.  Most days I am okay with just my antidepressants but other days like today are just too much to deal with and the antidepressants just don't seem to work. 

The day of the funeral was horrendous.  I had to get a ride with some cousins to Modesto and had to get a hotel room.  From the  moment I got to the church, all the way through the funeral and burial, and even at the house I cried.  I couldn't stop.  It felt like a big piece of my heart had been taken from me.  I loved my uncle dearly and had a lot of respect for him.  He wasn't perfect but when things got bad and my dad got sick and couldn't even take care of himself, my uncle was there.  He nursed him back to health without even asking.  For that I will be eternally grateful.  There are no words that can even begin to express just how thankful I am.

Since that day I have barely been holding on and it feels like I just keep sliding backwards... I'm drowning in my pain and suffering and crying out for help but nobody sees me.  Nobody even notices that I have fallen.  It's like they're all too caught up in themselves and their own problems to see mine... I just feel like I'm dying.  I feel like Job.  Everything is being taken from me little by little and every day something else goes wrong.  When will things change?  When is God going to give me a break?  My entire life has been nothing but pain and suffering, now when I finally start to get some happiness in my life I get physically sick and my loved ones are taken from me.  Why?