Update Part I

So much has been going on lately.  I've been sick - high blood pressure, severe migraines (every day), a hiatal hernia, what appears to be a non-cancerous tumor on my liver, arthritis and fibromyalgia acting up, what I hope isn't a kidney infection, ulcers, and gastritis.

I had an endoscopy done last month.  It was horrible.  They took me into a room, put me on a gurney, stuck an IV into my hand and left me for about a half hour.  I was bordering on having a severe anxiety attack at this point and had severe nausea so they gave me something to calm me down (didn't work).  I did manage to fall asleep only to be awakened by someone entering the room and moving me to the operating room.  They fixed my IV, put a tube in my nose to help me breathe, put the blood pressure cuff on my arm, and set up the EKG.  Next they gave me a mouthguard and wrapped it around my head to keep my mouth open and had me turn all the way on to my left side.  Then they sedated me.  I was half asleep and half awake.  I could feel them pushing the tube all the way down my throat into my stomach.  I was gagging and they were telling me it was okay and to try and calm down.  The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room waiting for my ride.  They told me I had multiple ulcers and gastritis and they also took numerous biopsies.  The first couple nights I had trouble falling asleep cause I could still feel the tube - I know it's weird.  I also had a lot of stomach pain for a few days.  Everything is okay now but I have to watch what I eat and drink (no more alcohol or Motrin - EVER). 

I've had two CT scans and another one for my heart next month.  So far everything seems okay.  I've been in and out of the emergency rooms the past couple of months...

My migraines are getting worse.  I've been getting them everyday.  The medication I'm taking now just doesn't work but unfortunately I HAVE to take it for my blood pressure.  I went into the ER and they gave me enough Reglan for the week.  Now I'm out and the migraines have started again.  The bad thing about Reglan is that it can only be taken for 2 months because of some SEVERE side effects.  I've been taking Codeine for the pain.
Meanwhile my anxiety and depression has been severe.  I just found out last week that my Uncle is dying of cancer.  He just found out two weeks ago.  It really hit me hard - I didn't think it would effect me this way.  It was so sudden I had no way to prepare myself.  With almost all of my other aunts and uncles the cancer was gradual (yes that evil insidious disease runs in my family).  With them I had time.  I had time to come to terms with what would eventually happen, but this???  How in God's name do you deal with finding out that your loved one/family member only has weeks to live??  He has stage 4 stomach cancer that has spread throughout his body.  I know this is selfish of me but I just don't know how to cope.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I've been taking pills after pills after pills just hoping something will calm me down.  Now I'm sitting here looking at this bottle of vodka ready to drink it.  God help me.

The morning I was supposed to go visit him I ended up having a severe anxiety attack and couldn't calm myself down.  I ended up taking 4 codeine pills, 2 antidepressants, and 2 anti anxiety/sedatives.  It finally calmed me down enough so that I could go and visit him.  He was happy to see me.  He looked thin but otherwise healthy.  Now his condition and body has deteriorated so much. 

He's not the only one dying.  I'm falling apart and just don't know what to do.  I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me everything was okay.  I wish this pain would go away.  I wish I could just stop these fucking tears.  Shit!!! What scares me more than anything is the fact that if I don't get a hold on this depression and anxiety I could end up either voluntary or involuntarily being hospitalized - that adds to more stress because I have to take care of my dad (who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's).  What the fuck do I do???

There is still much more to say but not now... I'm gonna drink some kava and hopefully it will relax me enough to sleep - it's either that drown my sorrows in vodka and pills...

Shocked!

I couldn't believe the news... someone in the prime of their life, a young adult, only 25 was struck down for no apparent reason.  We didn't really get along but I know she was loved by her friends and family alike.  It's so sad to see someone so young die.  I pray for her friends and family.  I hope she is in a better place now.  Just the other day I was complaining about something stupid never realizing that it could have been my last moment... that it was someone's last moment.   This really helps to put things into perspective.  We need to stop taking everything for granted and live each day as if it were our last, because it very well could be.

On September 30, 2011 our twenty five year old sister Melissa Hafoka passed on to her next life due to unknown causes. An autopsy report will be performed to give our family and doctors the answers to why Melissa's heart stopped. Melissa was just like most young adults in her mid twenties, she maintained an apartment that she shared with her boyfriend Chris Fredrickson. Melissa also didn't have medical insurance, an established savings account, life or accidental death insurance like most lower income famlies. Our family just wants to give our sister a funeral and lay her to rest. Nobody expects a young lady in her twenties to pass away suddenly and no parent plans to bury their own child before themselves, for that reason our family wasn't prepared. We are asking to help us put our sister to rest.
Anything will help and everything adds up. All donations are greatly appreciated
We've created an account at Wells Fargo.

Melissa Hafoka Charity Fund
Account number
9791267066

Thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts

 Sio Saia Hafoka, Tally Hafoka Buligon, John Hafoka, Christopher Fredrickson, Josiah Hafoka & Monique Perales Hafoka. Hafoka, Otteson, Phipps and Peck Family

Random poetry

Just some random poetry, had to get these feelings down on paper... let me know if it's any good.

Can’t get you off my mind

Just can’t stop thinking

I wish I could tell you how I feel

I wish I could let you know somehow

Without giving myself away

I’m so in love with you

Fell in love the first time I saw you

I’ve tried to walk away

Tried to forget

It never works

Every time I see you I fall in love all over again

Just wish it would go away sometimes

I don’t know what to do

Loving you in secret

Keeping my feelings inside

Tormented

Haunted

Night and day

Wish I could just tell you already

Wish I could let the whole world know

Every time I see you

Your beautiful eyes and smile

The random stolen moments we share

If only you knew

If only…

Feeling better

This past week or so I've been in a deep depression.  I felt stuck in this house and couldn't really walk.  My toe is slowly starting to heal - I'm still in a lot of pain but it's not as bad as before.  I'm walking a lot better and actually going out and doing things.  I just can't spend too much time on my feet or else the pain hits me like a tidal wave.  My appointment with the specialist is tomorrow.  Hopefully he/she will tell me my toe is healing perfectly and it won't be too much longer until I can get back on the treadmill and start working out again.  The main problem now is getting myself off of these pain killers.  I started taking them when I had my root canal then again when I broke my toe. 

Finally!!

 I guess whoever I talked to had some pull, because not even five minutes after I got off the phone someone called me back and scheduled an appointment the same day as my ortho appt.  Praise God, now I can relax.

Aggravation!!!

Having a broken toe has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for my patience (or lack thereof).  I've become more of a bitch and meaner than usual.  EVERYTHING and EVERYONE pisses me off or aggravates me.  I have no patience and don't feel like dealing with or hearing from anyone.  The slightest noise raises my blood pressure and I want to tell everyone to sit down and be quiet. 

I have finished my last reflective journal for my curriculum design class (which ends next week).  I get a week off until I go back to school full-time. 

I missed church last week since I can barely walk and can't get in or out of the van that comes to pick me up.  This Sunday is White Sunday and I probably won't be going either.  I can only imagine how stunning I will look in my white dress and ugly blue hard-soled shoe!  This is the one thing I have truly missed - going to church.  I've done some bible study at home but it's not really helping with my anger issues  LOL.

I'm dying to get out of the house and do something - anything.  I'm hoping to go to the movies to see The Help, sometime this week.  It opens tomorrow, so hopefully we'll go in the evening.  I also have a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon but not sure what to do since I'll have to climb a flight of stairs (the office is upstairs).  I have two fillings to get done and need to get the measurements for my crown.  I also have a ton of grocery shopping to do.  Oh well.  At least it will get me out of the house.

I am currently dealing with the idiots over at Valley Medical trying to schedule my appointment with the financial counselor so I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for my appointment with orthopedics (for my toe).   I'm told that my wait time will be less than five minutes, then placed on hold for almost an hour.  When I finally get through to someone I'm told that there is no one available to help me and my call is promptly disconnected, WTF???  If I don't meet with the financial counselor I'm going to have to pay $250 upfront.  After calling four different numbers and speaking with the rudest operators, I finally got through to someone in customer service and now they're putting me through to a supervisor - but wait - that would be too easy.  I find out she's in a meeting and now I have to wait for her to call me back.  Hopefully this will get taken care of.

Going crazy

Stuck here at home with a broken toe.  I can't walk, can't put any pressure on my foot whatsoever and have to wear one of those funky hard-soled shoes AT ALL TIMES.  I'm sick of it.  I'm stuck in my room mostly because I cannot walk.  I almost fell twice yesterday.  The fakkas at the ER didn't give me my crutches so I have resorted to using my father's walker (he has two of them LOL).  So now when I want to get up I have to hobble over to the door (where I have the walker parked LMAO) and then I can get to wherever I need to go without feeling like I'm going to die every time I try and take a step.  It hurts worst in the mornings and at night.  I have to take 2 vicodin and a prescription motrin when I get up before I can do anything, then in the evening I take another motrin, and at night before bed I take one more vicodin.  I'm exhausted of sitting here doing nothing.  I want to get out of the house and go somewhere but I can't because I can't walk and don't feel like going to pick up crutches or having to lug around that damn walker.  The vicodin makes me sleepy and cranky and the motrin gives me heartburn.  I haven't even been able to go to church.  This morning I actually had nightmares that I was no longer allowed back in church LMAO.  For the past two weeks I've been fighting a bacteria from hell due to eating an infected turkey burger (I lost 15 pounds in 2 days, couldn't eat or drink anything, couldn't keep anything down, couldn't even get out of bed, and almost had to be hospitalized).  I was finally ready to start working out again and I had to go and break my damn toe.

Taking a shower is another traumatic event.  Since my toes are taped together I tried removing the tape before showering but that just wasn't happening, so I had to wait until after the shower to remove the tape and re-tape them.  Did I mention that I can't stand or walk without that damn shoe??? I had to lean all the way against the wall of the shower and hold on to the sides balancing on one leg.  I had to wash my hair and do everything with ONE hand to keep from falling flat on my face.  When I finally finished I had to reevaluate how I was going to get OUT of the shower without giving myself a heart attack in the process.  I finally managed to somehow get out of the shower without screaming/falling and had to DIVE onto the bed without landing on my bad foot. 

Taping my toes together is another pain in the ass.  I feel like a damn contortionist trying to get in the proper position to get the tape just right.  I have to separate my toes and move the broken toe (IT HURTS LIKE HELL) then tape them together.

If you're wondering how this happened, I was at Safeway with my five-year-old niece.  The ki'o was walking in front of me with the shopping cart when she stopped suddenly (for no apparent reason) and slammed the cart into my toe (yes I had on slippers).  The ensuing collision caused my poor toe to twist all the way out to the side LMAO and also caused me to scream out in pain.  I grabbed my groceries and limped over to the next store and asked to use the phone to call someone to pick me up since there was no way I was going to be able to walk over to my auntie's house (she lives down the street from the store).  My mom picked us up and dropped me off at the clinic and I left the ki'o with her.  They went home, I called my cousin to pick me up and take me to get x-rays then to the ER.  I spent all day there, didn't get home until 10pm.  Meanwhile my poor niece was worried sick and telling everyone it wasn't her fault and asking was her auntie in the hospital LMAO.  When I got home she promptly came to tell me she was sorry and I told her it was an accident not to worry about it that it wasn't her fault.