Drowning

It's been a week since my uncle passed.  I find myself spiraling deeper and deeper into an abyss of which I am unable to escape.  My depression has spiraled out of control.  I've resorted to taking every pill imaginable to try and ease some of this pain.  Most days I am okay with just my antidepressants but other days like today are just too much to deal with and the antidepressants just don't seem to work. 

The day of the funeral was horrendous.  I had to get a ride with some cousins to Modesto and had to get a hotel room.  From the  moment I got to the church, all the way through the funeral and burial, and even at the house I cried.  I couldn't stop.  It felt like a big piece of my heart had been taken from me.  I loved my uncle dearly and had a lot of respect for him.  He wasn't perfect but when things got bad and my dad got sick and couldn't even take care of himself, my uncle was there.  He nursed him back to health without even asking.  For that I will be eternally grateful.  There are no words that can even begin to express just how thankful I am.

Since that day I have barely been holding on and it feels like I just keep sliding backwards... I'm drowning in my pain and suffering and crying out for help but nobody sees me.  Nobody even notices that I have fallen.  It's like they're all too caught up in themselves and their own problems to see mine... I just feel like I'm dying.  I feel like Job.  Everything is being taken from me little by little and every day something else goes wrong.  When will things change?  When is God going to give me a break?  My entire life has been nothing but pain and suffering, now when I finally start to get some happiness in my life I get physically sick and my loved ones are taken from me.  Why?

Update Part I

So much has been going on lately.  I've been sick - high blood pressure, severe migraines (every day), a hiatal hernia, what appears to be a non-cancerous tumor on my liver, arthritis and fibromyalgia acting up, what I hope isn't a kidney infection, ulcers, and gastritis.

I had an endoscopy done last month.  It was horrible.  They took me into a room, put me on a gurney, stuck an IV into my hand and left me for about a half hour.  I was bordering on having a severe anxiety attack at this point and had severe nausea so they gave me something to calm me down (didn't work).  I did manage to fall asleep only to be awakened by someone entering the room and moving me to the operating room.  They fixed my IV, put a tube in my nose to help me breathe, put the blood pressure cuff on my arm, and set up the EKG.  Next they gave me a mouthguard and wrapped it around my head to keep my mouth open and had me turn all the way on to my left side.  Then they sedated me.  I was half asleep and half awake.  I could feel them pushing the tube all the way down my throat into my stomach.  I was gagging and they were telling me it was okay and to try and calm down.  The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room waiting for my ride.  They told me I had multiple ulcers and gastritis and they also took numerous biopsies.  The first couple nights I had trouble falling asleep cause I could still feel the tube - I know it's weird.  I also had a lot of stomach pain for a few days.  Everything is okay now but I have to watch what I eat and drink (no more alcohol or Motrin - EVER). 

I've had two CT scans and another one for my heart next month.  So far everything seems okay.  I've been in and out of the emergency rooms the past couple of months...

My migraines are getting worse.  I've been getting them everyday.  The medication I'm taking now just doesn't work but unfortunately I HAVE to take it for my blood pressure.  I went into the ER and they gave me enough Reglan for the week.  Now I'm out and the migraines have started again.  The bad thing about Reglan is that it can only be taken for 2 months because of some SEVERE side effects.  I've been taking Codeine for the pain.
Meanwhile my anxiety and depression has been severe.  I just found out last week that my Uncle is dying of cancer.  He just found out two weeks ago.  It really hit me hard - I didn't think it would effect me this way.  It was so sudden I had no way to prepare myself.  With almost all of my other aunts and uncles the cancer was gradual (yes that evil insidious disease runs in my family).  With them I had time.  I had time to come to terms with what would eventually happen, but this???  How in God's name do you deal with finding out that your loved one/family member only has weeks to live??  He has stage 4 stomach cancer that has spread throughout his body.  I know this is selfish of me but I just don't know how to cope.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I've been taking pills after pills after pills just hoping something will calm me down.  Now I'm sitting here looking at this bottle of vodka ready to drink it.  God help me.

The morning I was supposed to go visit him I ended up having a severe anxiety attack and couldn't calm myself down.  I ended up taking 4 codeine pills, 2 antidepressants, and 2 anti anxiety/sedatives.  It finally calmed me down enough so that I could go and visit him.  He was happy to see me.  He looked thin but otherwise healthy.  Now his condition and body has deteriorated so much. 

He's not the only one dying.  I'm falling apart and just don't know what to do.  I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me everything was okay.  I wish this pain would go away.  I wish I could just stop these fucking tears.  Shit!!! What scares me more than anything is the fact that if I don't get a hold on this depression and anxiety I could end up either voluntary or involuntarily being hospitalized - that adds to more stress because I have to take care of my dad (who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's).  What the fuck do I do???

There is still much more to say but not now... I'm gonna drink some kava and hopefully it will relax me enough to sleep - it's either that drown my sorrows in vodka and pills...

Shocked!

I couldn't believe the news... someone in the prime of their life, a young adult, only 25 was struck down for no apparent reason.  We didn't really get along but I know she was loved by her friends and family alike.  It's so sad to see someone so young die.  I pray for her friends and family.  I hope she is in a better place now.  Just the other day I was complaining about something stupid never realizing that it could have been my last moment... that it was someone's last moment.   This really helps to put things into perspective.  We need to stop taking everything for granted and live each day as if it were our last, because it very well could be.

On September 30, 2011 our twenty five year old sister Melissa Hafoka passed on to her next life due to unknown causes. An autopsy report will be performed to give our family and doctors the answers to why Melissa's heart stopped. Melissa was just like most young adults in her mid twenties, she maintained an apartment that she shared with her boyfriend Chris Fredrickson. Melissa also didn't have medical insurance, an established savings account, life or accidental death insurance like most lower income famlies. Our family just wants to give our sister a funeral and lay her to rest. Nobody expects a young lady in her twenties to pass away suddenly and no parent plans to bury their own child before themselves, for that reason our family wasn't prepared. We are asking to help us put our sister to rest.
Anything will help and everything adds up. All donations are greatly appreciated
We've created an account at Wells Fargo.

Melissa Hafoka Charity Fund
Account number
9791267066

Thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts

 Sio Saia Hafoka, Tally Hafoka Buligon, John Hafoka, Christopher Fredrickson, Josiah Hafoka & Monique Perales Hafoka. Hafoka, Otteson, Phipps and Peck Family

Random poetry

Just some random poetry, had to get these feelings down on paper... let me know if it's any good.

Can’t get you off my mind

Just can’t stop thinking

I wish I could tell you how I feel

I wish I could let you know somehow

Without giving myself away

I’m so in love with you

Fell in love the first time I saw you

I’ve tried to walk away

Tried to forget

It never works

Every time I see you I fall in love all over again

Just wish it would go away sometimes

I don’t know what to do

Loving you in secret

Keeping my feelings inside

Tormented

Haunted

Night and day

Wish I could just tell you already

Wish I could let the whole world know

Every time I see you

Your beautiful eyes and smile

The random stolen moments we share

If only you knew

If only…

Feeling better

This past week or so I've been in a deep depression.  I felt stuck in this house and couldn't really walk.  My toe is slowly starting to heal - I'm still in a lot of pain but it's not as bad as before.  I'm walking a lot better and actually going out and doing things.  I just can't spend too much time on my feet or else the pain hits me like a tidal wave.  My appointment with the specialist is tomorrow.  Hopefully he/she will tell me my toe is healing perfectly and it won't be too much longer until I can get back on the treadmill and start working out again.  The main problem now is getting myself off of these pain killers.  I started taking them when I had my root canal then again when I broke my toe. 

Finally!!

 I guess whoever I talked to had some pull, because not even five minutes after I got off the phone someone called me back and scheduled an appointment the same day as my ortho appt.  Praise God, now I can relax.

Aggravation!!!

Having a broken toe has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for my patience (or lack thereof).  I've become more of a bitch and meaner than usual.  EVERYTHING and EVERYONE pisses me off or aggravates me.  I have no patience and don't feel like dealing with or hearing from anyone.  The slightest noise raises my blood pressure and I want to tell everyone to sit down and be quiet. 

I have finished my last reflective journal for my curriculum design class (which ends next week).  I get a week off until I go back to school full-time. 

I missed church last week since I can barely walk and can't get in or out of the van that comes to pick me up.  This Sunday is White Sunday and I probably won't be going either.  I can only imagine how stunning I will look in my white dress and ugly blue hard-soled shoe!  This is the one thing I have truly missed - going to church.  I've done some bible study at home but it's not really helping with my anger issues  LOL.

I'm dying to get out of the house and do something - anything.  I'm hoping to go to the movies to see The Help, sometime this week.  It opens tomorrow, so hopefully we'll go in the evening.  I also have a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon but not sure what to do since I'll have to climb a flight of stairs (the office is upstairs).  I have two fillings to get done and need to get the measurements for my crown.  I also have a ton of grocery shopping to do.  Oh well.  At least it will get me out of the house.

I am currently dealing with the idiots over at Valley Medical trying to schedule my appointment with the financial counselor so I don't have to pay an arm and a leg for my appointment with orthopedics (for my toe).   I'm told that my wait time will be less than five minutes, then placed on hold for almost an hour.  When I finally get through to someone I'm told that there is no one available to help me and my call is promptly disconnected, WTF???  If I don't meet with the financial counselor I'm going to have to pay $250 upfront.  After calling four different numbers and speaking with the rudest operators, I finally got through to someone in customer service and now they're putting me through to a supervisor - but wait - that would be too easy.  I find out she's in a meeting and now I have to wait for her to call me back.  Hopefully this will get taken care of.

Going crazy

Stuck here at home with a broken toe.  I can't walk, can't put any pressure on my foot whatsoever and have to wear one of those funky hard-soled shoes AT ALL TIMES.  I'm sick of it.  I'm stuck in my room mostly because I cannot walk.  I almost fell twice yesterday.  The fakkas at the ER didn't give me my crutches so I have resorted to using my father's walker (he has two of them LOL).  So now when I want to get up I have to hobble over to the door (where I have the walker parked LMAO) and then I can get to wherever I need to go without feeling like I'm going to die every time I try and take a step.  It hurts worst in the mornings and at night.  I have to take 2 vicodin and a prescription motrin when I get up before I can do anything, then in the evening I take another motrin, and at night before bed I take one more vicodin.  I'm exhausted of sitting here doing nothing.  I want to get out of the house and go somewhere but I can't because I can't walk and don't feel like going to pick up crutches or having to lug around that damn walker.  The vicodin makes me sleepy and cranky and the motrin gives me heartburn.  I haven't even been able to go to church.  This morning I actually had nightmares that I was no longer allowed back in church LMAO.  For the past two weeks I've been fighting a bacteria from hell due to eating an infected turkey burger (I lost 15 pounds in 2 days, couldn't eat or drink anything, couldn't keep anything down, couldn't even get out of bed, and almost had to be hospitalized).  I was finally ready to start working out again and I had to go and break my damn toe.

Taking a shower is another traumatic event.  Since my toes are taped together I tried removing the tape before showering but that just wasn't happening, so I had to wait until after the shower to remove the tape and re-tape them.  Did I mention that I can't stand or walk without that damn shoe??? I had to lean all the way against the wall of the shower and hold on to the sides balancing on one leg.  I had to wash my hair and do everything with ONE hand to keep from falling flat on my face.  When I finally finished I had to reevaluate how I was going to get OUT of the shower without giving myself a heart attack in the process.  I finally managed to somehow get out of the shower without screaming/falling and had to DIVE onto the bed without landing on my bad foot. 

Taping my toes together is another pain in the ass.  I feel like a damn contortionist trying to get in the proper position to get the tape just right.  I have to separate my toes and move the broken toe (IT HURTS LIKE HELL) then tape them together.

If you're wondering how this happened, I was at Safeway with my five-year-old niece.  The ki'o was walking in front of me with the shopping cart when she stopped suddenly (for no apparent reason) and slammed the cart into my toe (yes I had on slippers).  The ensuing collision caused my poor toe to twist all the way out to the side LMAO and also caused me to scream out in pain.  I grabbed my groceries and limped over to the next store and asked to use the phone to call someone to pick me up since there was no way I was going to be able to walk over to my auntie's house (she lives down the street from the store).  My mom picked us up and dropped me off at the clinic and I left the ki'o with her.  They went home, I called my cousin to pick me up and take me to get x-rays then to the ER.  I spent all day there, didn't get home until 10pm.  Meanwhile my poor niece was worried sick and telling everyone it wasn't her fault and asking was her auntie in the hospital LMAO.  When I got home she promptly came to tell me she was sorry and I told her it was an accident not to worry about it that it wasn't her fault.

More drama

Last night made me realize why I am no longer with my ex and made me THANK GOD that I didn't marry him.  We got into a huge fight last night.  He called me and cursed me out, telling me to shut the fuck up and calling me a fucking bitch.  There was so much hatred in his voice, it was unnerving.  He told me how much he hated me then threatened to kill me.  He did it about 4 times and even told me that he would be coming here in two weeks to kill me.  I couldn't believe it, still can't.  I always knew there was something wrong with him but I never thought he could be so evil.  The words he said and the way he said them as if he was telling me hello terrified me.  I cried myself to sleep - actually only slept about 2 hours because I had to get up early the next morning for church.  I woke up this morning and cried some more.  I got to church before Bible study was going to start and started crying again.  The women there saw me and talked to me, comforted me, and gave me some good advice, also laid their hands on me and prayed over me.  I cried throughout most of the Bible study and service.  I am feeling better now but still scared.  I think I'm going to be making a phone call to the MPs over at Fort Shafter and get this taken care of.  I just hope he will not come over here starting something. 

Never ending drama!

A few days ago my ex's sister Taga decided to ask me for money.  It threw me for a loop because she NEVER asks me for anything.  I thought maybe it was something for her son, but something didn't seem right.  I asked her why she needed it and told her to be honest.  She told me that she needed the money for drugs - that she wasn't using anymore but needed to pay off her dealer.  At first I thought she was kidding - I mean she is the last person I could imagine using drugs, but she was dead serious.  I told her no that I wouldn't send her money for drugs.  She began to beg and plead could I please send the money and if I loved her that I would do it.  I stood firm and told her no, that she needed to talk to her family about this.  She begged me not to tell her family especially her brother (my ex) because they would be mad and would hurt her.  I tried explaining to her that yes they would get mad and yes she would be disciplined but that in time they would get over it and forgive her.  When she realized she wasn't getting the money she resorted to having a temper tantrum and questioning my love, friendship, etc.  I told my ex what had happened and I guess he called and told her off because the next thing I know she is cursing me out telling me to fuck off, calling me a fucking bitch, a fucking hoe, and every other name and curse word imaginable.  She told me our friendship was over to never call her or talk to her again.  I told her that I did what was right and I did it out of love.  I told her she needed tough love not an enabler.  The past few days I have been bombarded with hate mail, she keeps bringing up my relationship w/my ex and how he NEVER loved me that he just felt sorry for me and all this other nonsense.  I told her that was none of her concern and she was in no position to be commenting on relationships (seeing as her husband only married her because she was pregnant and left the second the baby was born - not to mention the fact that he cheated on her the entire three years they were together and still wants nothing to do with her or baby - and yet she always goes running back to him) - yes I'm putting all her business out there - deal with it!  Now she has gone and told her family that I am the one lying and making everything up and that I am spreading lies about her, so not only do I have to put up with her shyte but also her cousin's fiapoko ass!  I swear this girl thinks she knows everything putting her two cents in talking about this is unacceptable in her family and that I needed to stop spreading rumors and lies.  I told her to mind her business and to keep her mouth shut because she didn't know what was going on.  I also sent her copies of all of the emails and messages Taga left me basically admitting that she was using drugs.  Hopefully that will shut her up.  You'd think that would be the end of it, but no.... that would be too easy.  Now I'm getting death threats from this psycho bitch.  I can't believe it.  & where is my ex in all of this, you ask??? He has conveniently gone MIA and is nowhere to be found, but of course he will NEVER stand up to his hypocrite devil sisters.  Every single time these girls (and I use the term loosely) have lied, started drama, and gotten in our business, he has always taken their side - even when they were WRONG!  I told him he needed to check his sister and handle this.  I am so fed up with all of this nonsense.  I have reached my breaking point.  I can finally say with 100% certainty that I wish I had never met him or his psycho family.  I wasted so much of my life trying to make him happy and trying to pick up the pieces of my life (heart) every time he turned my world upside down.  I finally told him just to go fuck off and leave me alone and to basically NEVER contact me again, that I no longer wanted anything more to do with him.  This time I mean it.  I am done and I am NEVER going to look back.  I am going to use this as a learning experience and I promise you I will NOT make the same mistake again.

On a brighter note, I went to my church's fundraiser (had some good Samoan food) and saw my handsome (that's what his name means LOL).  He smiled at me and greeted me right away and gave me my hug (I started smiling the second I saw him).  He walked me inside and I got my plate of food and sat down and ate.  He came and sat down next to me and talked to me while I ate.  I got so nervous I actually had to put my food away LMAO.  The people next to us kept giving us funny looks - maybe it's because I act so different when I am around him, and I noticed that he gets a little nervous around me too. 

I don't know what it is but every time I am around him I feel like a nervous little school girl.  I get so shy and don't quite know what to do with myself.  I've always been a little awkward but I've never really had a problem talking to guys - usually it's just when I'm around a lot of people I don't know.  What trips me out is that he really isn't my type but there is something about him that just draws me to him.  It's good though because we're starting to talk more and I'm starting to get to know him better. 

Something else that has been on my mind lately is that I have been prophesied over and each time, I keep getting the message that my previous relationship with the ex didn't work because God had someone else waiting for me and that I would find him soon.  Maybe he is the one... I'm starting to feel that all of my hopes and dreams (especially getting married and having a family) will come to pass, that it's just a matter of time.  Every time I pray I keep hearing "just be patient, all in God's good time."  I guess all I can do is be patient.

Falling in love - advice needed!

Well it has been almost two months now since I was saved.  There is someone from church who I am slowly but surely starting to fall in love with.  I don't quite know what it is about him, God knows he's not really my type, plus he's about ten years older.  From the moment I saw him I felt something, idk what but it was something and now every time I see him this feeling just grows.  He usually makes his way to me to say hi and give me a hug.  I've been getting some mixed signals, sometimes it seems like he is interested and other times it's like he doesn't even notice me.  I really don't know what to do.  I want so badly to just get to know him, to start something with him, even if it is just a friendship but idk how to approach him.  I am so bloody shy and get all tongue-tied when I am around him.  It sucks because I have no idea how he feels or if he even feels anything at all, and I have to keep this quiet because I don't want everyone at church knowing my business, especially since he is the older brother of one of my friends - how do I tell her I'm falling for her brother??? I really don't know what to do, can anyone out there give me some advice??

Your Calling

Your Calling

June 9, 2011

By Patrick J. Donadio

Roger Fields writes the following:

³My calling is sure. My challenge is big. My vision is clear. My desire is strong. My influence is eternal. My impact is critical. My values are solid.

My faith is tough. My mission is urgent. My purpose is unmistakable. My direction is forward. My heart is genuine. My strength is supernatural. My reward is promised. And my God is real.

³In a world of cynicism, I offer hope. In a world of confusion, I offer truth. In a world of immorality, I offer values. In a world of neglect, I offer attention. In a world of abuse, I offer safety. In a world of ridicule, I offer affirmation. In a world of division, I offer reconciliation. In a world of bitterness, I offer forgiveness. In a world of sin, I offer salvation. In a world of hate, I offer God¹s love.

³I refuse to be dismayed, disengaged, disgruntled, discouraged or distracted. Neither will I look back, stand back, fall back, go back or sit back. I do not need applause, flattery, adulation, prestige, stature or veneration. I do not have time for business as usual, mediocre standards, small thinking, outdated methods, normal expectations, average results, ordinary ideas, petty disputes or low vision. I will not give up, give in, bail out, lie down, turn over, quit or surrender.

³I will pray when things look bad. I will pray when things look good. I will move forward when others stand still. I will trust God when obstacles arise.

I will work when the task is overwhelming. I will get up when I fall down.²

If you could follow these positive words of encouragement you would succeed in any endeavor. Whatever your profession is, you can be the one who holds high the blood-stained banner of Christ. We should never give in to defeat or pull back. Our load may be heavy, but Christ has promised us strength to endure. Remember, He has never promised us sunshine without rain. Determine to accomplish what God has called you to do and never give up.

Pure, Honest Prayer

Pure, Honest Prayer

May 23, 2011

By Greg Ebie

King Hezekiah and the people of Judah had a problem and everyone knew it.

Sennacherib, the king of Assyria, camped with hundreds of thousand of soldiers just outside the walls of Jerusalem. Sennacherib and the Assyrians were an unstoppable force; they had destroyed many other nations. Now they were poised to do the same to the nation of Judah.

In the hearing of all the people at the wall, Sennacherib¹s representatives boasted of the king¹s victories and stated his intention to overthrow Hezekiah; they bragged that none of the other gods of any of the nations that had opposed the kings of Assyria were able to stop them from being victorious. What then could the God of Israel do to help Hezekiah and his people? Sennacherib sent a letter to Hezekiah with the same boastful threat.

Sennacherib was confident of his military strength to bring the people of Jerusalem to their knees, leaving their city as well as their God nothing more than a pile of rubble. Fear gripped the hearts of all those living in Jerusalem. Would their God do anything to help them in the face of certain defeat?

³Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it. Then he went up to the temple of the Lord and spread it out before the Lord. And Hezekiah prayed to the Lord² (Isaiah 37:14,15, NIV).

Hezekiah did not prepare for battle. He did not plan his escape from the city; nor did Hezekiah sit and worry or become paralyzed by fear. Hezekiah prayed. But more than just a prayer, Hezekiah laid it all out before the Lord.

Sometimes I think our prayers make a quick request for help, but we never even let God have a chance to answer our prayers because we immediately try to solve our problems by ourselves. Maybe I¹m the only one with that problem? With an arrogant pride we never stop and just get real with God.

When was the last time any of us prayed something like this? ³Lord here is my problem and it is bigger than I am; I don¹t know which way to turn. God without Your help I¹m as good as beaten before the fight even starts.²

I notice something else about Hezekiah¹s prayer. It¹s not just a helpless cry for help. Hezekiah¹s request is not just for God to come to his rescue, but that God will prove himself as the Living God, the Almighty. Hezekiah¹s request wasn¹t so much about his need as about God being glorified. God would get all the credit for the victory, not Hezekiah.

I believe those are the kind of prayers God likes to answer, honest prayers with pure motives. I believe it is time to get real with God and stop pretending that I can make it on my own; it is time to lay it all on the line and let God be the One who not only handles it but gets the credit too.

How about you?

Supernatural Rest

Supernatural Rest

May 25, 2011

By Doug Clay

I love technology ... at least when it¹s working right! (OK, OK, I mean ³when I am working it right!²) Technology is supposed to help us accomplish things more easily and make us more productive, but sometimes my greatest spiritual warfare is with my PC! (Did I hear a few amens?) And the scary thing about technology is, it is always changing! In 20 years, laptops will probably seem as old and archaic as the eight-track player.

Research reveals that the average person is working much longer hours today because we literally can work from anywhere. In fact, I am writing this article from my cell phone, which is connected to my office Outlook, and I will forward it to my assistant who will format it to be sent out.

Technology allows us to stay in constant contact with others, which means we are always on call. Unless we intentionally set boundaries, we will never rest from our work.

God got angry with the people of Israel because they did not know His ways.

They failed to recognize the boundaries He had set for them that would ensure a spiritual and physically successful life. They chose to disregard His ways. This disobedience led to their inability to enter God¹s rest.

³ŒTheir hearts are always going astray, and they have not known my ways.¹ So I declared on oath in my anger, ŒThey shall never enter my rest¹² (Hebrews 3:10,11, NIV).

One author says, ³God¹s rest means that we can actually do our work and still be refreshed through His Spirit in our inner man. It is the opposite of sweat and toil. It means that the fruit of our work comes as a result of abiding in the vine of His grace and power. Jesus said you can do nothing

(worthwhile) unless you are connected to the vine.²

I think it is important for us to not only understand His ways, but we must do His ways. When we follow these two things, we will begin to experience His supernatural rest in all of our endeavors.

‹ Doug Clay is general treasurer of the Assemblies of God.