Another chance

So I can't believe my ex is back in my life.  It's been about a week now and we've been talking again.  It's nothing too serious yet but we're actually being civil to each other and for once we're not fighting, screaming, or cursing at each other.  I'm happy.  After we broke up 2 years ago I never thought we'd get back together and now that he's back I feel like we have a new chance and I don't want to take this for granted.  I know we've had our share of bad times, but I've always felt like he was the one.  Maybe we just weren't ready to be together, maybe it just wasn't the right time.  Maybe now that we've grown and matured, maybe now we're finally ready for a real relationship - to finally be together.  I don't know if it's God's will for us to be together, but I do know that God must have brought him back in my life for a reason... He was my one true love and I still love him... all I can do is pray and take things one day at a time... IMYILY <3

Exhausted

I'm exhausted.  I've been dealing with one illness after another and as if that wasn't enough I am living with an alcoholic crackhead psychopath.  I am physically and emotionally drained.  I want to crawl under my blankets and hide - for a month!  Unfortunately time stops for no one and I don't have the luxury of just shutting down and giving up.  I am at my wits end.  I don't think it's fair that I have to deal with the fact that I have a ticking time bomb inside of me.  I don't like the fact that there is are tumors growing inside me.  It terrifies me to know that one day this particular tumor could just all of a sudden burst and I could bleed to death.  It is equally terrifying to know that at any moment this benign tumor could turn malignant and I could end up with cancer and it pisses me off to know that even when this tumor is removed that the chances of developing cancer are just as great.  It makes me even angrier to think back on how many of my family members, how many of the people I loved the most have died at the hands of this insidious disease.  I don't understand how or why they were taken when they had such a passion for life.  They were good people, raised and supported their families, and loved God.  I know I shouldn't question these things, but I just can't wrap my head around it, especially when I think about my uncle who just passed not too long ago.  I'm still angry.  I'm still heartbroken.  I'm being tortured and tormented by my psychotic brother who hates himself and his life and has a major death wish and yet God won't take him, but God keeps taking away everyone I love.  Why couldn't he have taken him instead?  Is it wrong of me to wish him dead?  To wish it had been him instead of everyone else?  I have always tried to be a good person, a good Christian.  I have always tried to forgive and make amends but this time I can't.  I can't forgive him.  I can't forgive him for what he put me or my parents through.  I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him. I hate him and everyday my hatred continues to grow.  Why can't God just let me be happy just once?  Why did he have to let him come back?  Why couldn't he have taken him?  He takes everything for granted and doesn't deserve anything he has.  Just go away already and let me live my life.

Amy Sargent

Pissed off and need to vent!

Amy Sargent, you are an evil, hateful, and spiteful bitch.  You have been the bane of my existence since the day I met you and I hope you rot in hell.  I know it is wrong to hate and the bible clearly says that I should love my enemies but I hate you.  I hate you with every fiber of my being.  I don't know what it is about me that you don't like or what you have against me but you have disliked me since the day I first entered your classroom.  You have graded me harder than was necessary and have taken points off all of my papers even though I have followed your guidelines and rules to the tee.  With one single stroke of your pen you have single-handedly threatened to ruin my entire academic career.  I still don't understand how you could have given me an F on my final project when I know for a fact that I didn't deserve anything less than a B, but then how could you even understand what it is like to go to graduate school full-time and still have to take care of your elderly father who is suffering from Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, all the while dealing with an alcoholic brother, depression and a whole host of other illnesses and the very real possibility of having liver cancer?  I guess you wouldn't know what it's like now would you, you ignorant bitch?

This isn't just sour grapes or me having a temper tantrum.  I am sick and tired of people thinking they can just walk all over me and thinking they are going to get away with it.  I am literally sick and tired and don't have the time or the patience to deal with this nonsense. 

Drowning

It's been a week since my uncle passed.  I find myself spiraling deeper and deeper into an abyss of which I am unable to escape.  My depression has spiraled out of control.  I've resorted to taking every pill imaginable to try and ease some of this pain.  Most days I am okay with just my antidepressants but other days like today are just too much to deal with and the antidepressants just don't seem to work. 

The day of the funeral was horrendous.  I had to get a ride with some cousins to Modesto and had to get a hotel room.  From the  moment I got to the church, all the way through the funeral and burial, and even at the house I cried.  I couldn't stop.  It felt like a big piece of my heart had been taken from me.  I loved my uncle dearly and had a lot of respect for him.  He wasn't perfect but when things got bad and my dad got sick and couldn't even take care of himself, my uncle was there.  He nursed him back to health without even asking.  For that I will be eternally grateful.  There are no words that can even begin to express just how thankful I am.

Since that day I have barely been holding on and it feels like I just keep sliding backwards... I'm drowning in my pain and suffering and crying out for help but nobody sees me.  Nobody even notices that I have fallen.  It's like they're all too caught up in themselves and their own problems to see mine... I just feel like I'm dying.  I feel like Job.  Everything is being taken from me little by little and every day something else goes wrong.  When will things change?  When is God going to give me a break?  My entire life has been nothing but pain and suffering, now when I finally start to get some happiness in my life I get physically sick and my loved ones are taken from me.  Why?

Update Part I

So much has been going on lately.  I've been sick - high blood pressure, severe migraines (every day), a hiatal hernia, what appears to be a non-cancerous tumor on my liver, arthritis and fibromyalgia acting up, what I hope isn't a kidney infection, ulcers, and gastritis.

I had an endoscopy done last month.  It was horrible.  They took me into a room, put me on a gurney, stuck an IV into my hand and left me for about a half hour.  I was bordering on having a severe anxiety attack at this point and had severe nausea so they gave me something to calm me down (didn't work).  I did manage to fall asleep only to be awakened by someone entering the room and moving me to the operating room.  They fixed my IV, put a tube in my nose to help me breathe, put the blood pressure cuff on my arm, and set up the EKG.  Next they gave me a mouthguard and wrapped it around my head to keep my mouth open and had me turn all the way on to my left side.  Then they sedated me.  I was half asleep and half awake.  I could feel them pushing the tube all the way down my throat into my stomach.  I was gagging and they were telling me it was okay and to try and calm down.  The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room waiting for my ride.  They told me I had multiple ulcers and gastritis and they also took numerous biopsies.  The first couple nights I had trouble falling asleep cause I could still feel the tube - I know it's weird.  I also had a lot of stomach pain for a few days.  Everything is okay now but I have to watch what I eat and drink (no more alcohol or Motrin - EVER). 

I've had two CT scans and another one for my heart next month.  So far everything seems okay.  I've been in and out of the emergency rooms the past couple of months...

My migraines are getting worse.  I've been getting them everyday.  The medication I'm taking now just doesn't work but unfortunately I HAVE to take it for my blood pressure.  I went into the ER and they gave me enough Reglan for the week.  Now I'm out and the migraines have started again.  The bad thing about Reglan is that it can only be taken for 2 months because of some SEVERE side effects.  I've been taking Codeine for the pain.
Meanwhile my anxiety and depression has been severe.  I just found out last week that my Uncle is dying of cancer.  He just found out two weeks ago.  It really hit me hard - I didn't think it would effect me this way.  It was so sudden I had no way to prepare myself.  With almost all of my other aunts and uncles the cancer was gradual (yes that evil insidious disease runs in my family).  With them I had time.  I had time to come to terms with what would eventually happen, but this???  How in God's name do you deal with finding out that your loved one/family member only has weeks to live??  He has stage 4 stomach cancer that has spread throughout his body.  I know this is selfish of me but I just don't know how to cope.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I've been taking pills after pills after pills just hoping something will calm me down.  Now I'm sitting here looking at this bottle of vodka ready to drink it.  God help me.

The morning I was supposed to go visit him I ended up having a severe anxiety attack and couldn't calm myself down.  I ended up taking 4 codeine pills, 2 antidepressants, and 2 anti anxiety/sedatives.  It finally calmed me down enough so that I could go and visit him.  He was happy to see me.  He looked thin but otherwise healthy.  Now his condition and body has deteriorated so much. 

He's not the only one dying.  I'm falling apart and just don't know what to do.  I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me everything was okay.  I wish this pain would go away.  I wish I could just stop these fucking tears.  Shit!!! What scares me more than anything is the fact that if I don't get a hold on this depression and anxiety I could end up either voluntary or involuntarily being hospitalized - that adds to more stress because I have to take care of my dad (who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's).  What the fuck do I do???

There is still much more to say but not now... I'm gonna drink some kava and hopefully it will relax me enough to sleep - it's either that drown my sorrows in vodka and pills...

Shocked!

I couldn't believe the news... someone in the prime of their life, a young adult, only 25 was struck down for no apparent reason.  We didn't really get along but I know she was loved by her friends and family alike.  It's so sad to see someone so young die.  I pray for her friends and family.  I hope she is in a better place now.  Just the other day I was complaining about something stupid never realizing that it could have been my last moment... that it was someone's last moment.   This really helps to put things into perspective.  We need to stop taking everything for granted and live each day as if it were our last, because it very well could be.

On September 30, 2011 our twenty five year old sister Melissa Hafoka passed on to her next life due to unknown causes. An autopsy report will be performed to give our family and doctors the answers to why Melissa's heart stopped. Melissa was just like most young adults in her mid twenties, she maintained an apartment that she shared with her boyfriend Chris Fredrickson. Melissa also didn't have medical insurance, an established savings account, life or accidental death insurance like most lower income famlies. Our family just wants to give our sister a funeral and lay her to rest. Nobody expects a young lady in her twenties to pass away suddenly and no parent plans to bury their own child before themselves, for that reason our family wasn't prepared. We are asking to help us put our sister to rest.
Anything will help and everything adds up. All donations are greatly appreciated
We've created an account at Wells Fargo.

Melissa Hafoka Charity Fund
Account number
9791267066

Thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts

 Sio Saia Hafoka, Tally Hafoka Buligon, John Hafoka, Christopher Fredrickson, Josiah Hafoka & Monique Perales Hafoka. Hafoka, Otteson, Phipps and Peck Family

Random poetry

Just some random poetry, had to get these feelings down on paper... let me know if it's any good.

Can’t get you off my mind

Just can’t stop thinking

I wish I could tell you how I feel

I wish I could let you know somehow

Without giving myself away

I’m so in love with you

Fell in love the first time I saw you

I’ve tried to walk away

Tried to forget

It never works

Every time I see you I fall in love all over again

Just wish it would go away sometimes

I don’t know what to do

Loving you in secret

Keeping my feelings inside

Tormented

Haunted

Night and day

Wish I could just tell you already

Wish I could let the whole world know

Every time I see you

Your beautiful eyes and smile

The random stolen moments we share

If only you knew

If only…