Friday, December 23, 2011


It's been a week since my uncle passed.  I find myself spiraling deeper and deeper into an abyss of which I am unable to escape.  My depression has spiraled out of control.  I've resorted to taking every pill imaginable to try and ease some of this pain.  Most days I am okay with just my antidepressants but other days like today are just too much to deal with and the antidepressants just don't seem to work. 

The day of the funeral was horrendous.  I had to get a ride with some cousins to Modesto and had to get a hotel room.  From the  moment I got to the church, all the way through the funeral and burial, and even at the house I cried.  I couldn't stop.  It felt like a big piece of my heart had been taken from me.  I loved my uncle dearly and had a lot of respect for him.  He wasn't perfect but when things got bad and my dad got sick and couldn't even take care of himself, my uncle was there.  He nursed him back to health without even asking.  For that I will be eternally grateful.  There are no words that can even begin to express just how thankful I am.

Since that day I have barely been holding on and it feels like I just keep sliding backwards... I'm drowning in my pain and suffering and crying out for help but nobody sees me.  Nobody even notices that I have fallen.  It's like they're all too caught up in themselves and their own problems to see mine... I just feel like I'm dying.  I feel like Job.  Everything is being taken from me little by little and every day something else goes wrong.  When will things change?  When is God going to give me a break?  My entire life has been nothing but pain and suffering, now when I finally start to get some happiness in my life I get physically sick and my loved ones are taken from me.  Why?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Update Part I

So much has been going on lately.  I've been sick - high blood pressure, severe migraines (every day), a hiatal hernia, what appears to be a non-cancerous tumor on my liver, arthritis and fibromyalgia acting up, what I hope isn't a kidney infection, ulcers, and gastritis.

I had an endoscopy done last month.  It was horrible.  They took me into a room, put me on a gurney, stuck an IV into my hand and left me for about a half hour.  I was bordering on having a severe anxiety attack at this point and had severe nausea so they gave me something to calm me down (didn't work).  I did manage to fall asleep only to be awakened by someone entering the room and moving me to the operating room.  They fixed my IV, put a tube in my nose to help me breathe, put the blood pressure cuff on my arm, and set up the EKG.  Next they gave me a mouthguard and wrapped it around my head to keep my mouth open and had me turn all the way on to my left side.  Then they sedated me.  I was half asleep and half awake.  I could feel them pushing the tube all the way down my throat into my stomach.  I was gagging and they were telling me it was okay and to try and calm down.  The next thing I remember I was in the recovery room waiting for my ride.  They told me I had multiple ulcers and gastritis and they also took numerous biopsies.  The first couple nights I had trouble falling asleep cause I could still feel the tube - I know it's weird.  I also had a lot of stomach pain for a few days.  Everything is okay now but I have to watch what I eat and drink (no more alcohol or Motrin - EVER). 

I've had two CT scans and another one for my heart next month.  So far everything seems okay.  I've been in and out of the emergency rooms the past couple of months...

My migraines are getting worse.  I've been getting them everyday.  The medication I'm taking now just doesn't work but unfortunately I HAVE to take it for my blood pressure.  I went into the ER and they gave me enough Reglan for the week.  Now I'm out and the migraines have started again.  The bad thing about Reglan is that it can only be taken for 2 months because of some SEVERE side effects.  I've been taking Codeine for the pain.
Meanwhile my anxiety and depression has been severe.  I just found out last week that my Uncle is dying of cancer.  He just found out two weeks ago.  It really hit me hard - I didn't think it would effect me this way.  It was so sudden I had no way to prepare myself.  With almost all of my other aunts and uncles the cancer was gradual (yes that evil insidious disease runs in my family).  With them I had time.  I had time to come to terms with what would eventually happen, but this???  How in God's name do you deal with finding out that your loved one/family member only has weeks to live??  He has stage 4 stomach cancer that has spread throughout his body.  I know this is selfish of me but I just don't know how to cope.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I've been taking pills after pills after pills just hoping something will calm me down.  Now I'm sitting here looking at this bottle of vodka ready to drink it.  God help me.

The morning I was supposed to go visit him I ended up having a severe anxiety attack and couldn't calm myself down.  I ended up taking 4 codeine pills, 2 antidepressants, and 2 anti anxiety/sedatives.  It finally calmed me down enough so that I could go and visit him.  He was happy to see me.  He looked thin but otherwise healthy.  Now his condition and body has deteriorated so much. 

He's not the only one dying.  I'm falling apart and just don't know what to do.  I just wish I had someone to hold me and tell me everything was okay.  I wish this pain would go away.  I wish I could just stop these fucking tears.  Shit!!! What scares me more than anything is the fact that if I don't get a hold on this depression and anxiety I could end up either voluntary or involuntarily being hospitalized - that adds to more stress because I have to take care of my dad (who has Alzheimer's and Parkinson's).  What the fuck do I do???

There is still much more to say but not now... I'm gonna drink some kava and hopefully it will relax me enough to sleep - it's either that drown my sorrows in vodka and pills...