Sunday, June 26, 2011

More drama

Last night made me realize why I am no longer with my ex and made me THANK GOD that I didn't marry him.  We got into a huge fight last night.  He called me and cursed me out, telling me to shut the fuck up and calling me a fucking bitch.  There was so much hatred in his voice, it was unnerving.  He told me how much he hated me then threatened to kill me.  He did it about 4 times and even told me that he would be coming here in two weeks to kill me.  I couldn't believe it, still can't.  I always knew there was something wrong with him but I never thought he could be so evil.  The words he said and the way he said them as if he was telling me hello terrified me.  I cried myself to sleep - actually only slept about 2 hours because I had to get up early the next morning for church.  I woke up this morning and cried some more.  I got to church before Bible study was going to start and started crying again.  The women there saw me and talked to me, comforted me, and gave me some good advice, also laid their hands on me and prayed over me.  I cried throughout most of the Bible study and service.  I am feeling better now but still scared.  I think I'm going to be making a phone call to the MPs over at Fort Shafter and get this taken care of.  I just hope he will not come over here starting something. 

Never ending drama!

A few days ago my ex's sister Taga decided to ask me for money.  It threw me for a loop because she NEVER asks me for anything.  I thought maybe it was something for her son, but something didn't seem right.  I asked her why she needed it and told her to be honest.  She told me that she needed the money for drugs - that she wasn't using anymore but needed to pay off her dealer.  At first I thought she was kidding - I mean she is the last person I could imagine using drugs, but she was dead serious.  I told her no that I wouldn't send her money for drugs.  She began to beg and plead could I please send the money and if I loved her that I would do it.  I stood firm and told her no, that she needed to talk to her family about this.  She begged me not to tell her family especially her brother (my ex) because they would be mad and would hurt her.  I tried explaining to her that yes they would get mad and yes she would be disciplined but that in time they would get over it and forgive her.  When she realized she wasn't getting the money she resorted to having a temper tantrum and questioning my love, friendship, etc.  I told my ex what had happened and I guess he called and told her off because the next thing I know she is cursing me out telling me to fuck off, calling me a fucking bitch, a fucking hoe, and every other name and curse word imaginable.  She told me our friendship was over to never call her or talk to her again.  I told her that I did what was right and I did it out of love.  I told her she needed tough love not an enabler.  The past few days I have been bombarded with hate mail, she keeps bringing up my relationship w/my ex and how he NEVER loved me that he just felt sorry for me and all this other nonsense.  I told her that was none of her concern and she was in no position to be commenting on relationships (seeing as her husband only married her because she was pregnant and left the second the baby was born - not to mention the fact that he cheated on her the entire three years they were together and still wants nothing to do with her or baby - and yet she always goes running back to him) - yes I'm putting all her business out there - deal with it!  Now she has gone and told her family that I am the one lying and making everything up and that I am spreading lies about her, so not only do I have to put up with her shyte but also her cousin's fiapoko ass!  I swear this girl thinks she knows everything putting her two cents in talking about this is unacceptable in her family and that I needed to stop spreading rumors and lies.  I told her to mind her business and to keep her mouth shut because she didn't know what was going on.  I also sent her copies of all of the emails and messages Taga left me basically admitting that she was using drugs.  Hopefully that will shut her up.  You'd think that would be the end of it, but no.... that would be too easy.  Now I'm getting death threats from this psycho bitch.  I can't believe it.  & where is my ex in all of this, you ask??? He has conveniently gone MIA and is nowhere to be found, but of course he will NEVER stand up to his hypocrite devil sisters.  Every single time these girls (and I use the term loosely) have lied, started drama, and gotten in our business, he has always taken their side - even when they were WRONG!  I told him he needed to check his sister and handle this.  I am so fed up with all of this nonsense.  I have reached my breaking point.  I can finally say with 100% certainty that I wish I had never met him or his psycho family.  I wasted so much of my life trying to make him happy and trying to pick up the pieces of my life (heart) every time he turned my world upside down.  I finally told him just to go fuck off and leave me alone and to basically NEVER contact me again, that I no longer wanted anything more to do with him.  This time I mean it.  I am done and I am NEVER going to look back.  I am going to use this as a learning experience and I promise you I will NOT make the same mistake again.

On a brighter note, I went to my church's fundraiser (had some good Samoan food) and saw my handsome (that's what his name means LOL).  He smiled at me and greeted me right away and gave me my hug (I started smiling the second I saw him).  He walked me inside and I got my plate of food and sat down and ate.  He came and sat down next to me and talked to me while I ate.  I got so nervous I actually had to put my food away LMAO.  The people next to us kept giving us funny looks - maybe it's because I act so different when I am around him, and I noticed that he gets a little nervous around me too. 

I don't know what it is but every time I am around him I feel like a nervous little school girl.  I get so shy and don't quite know what to do with myself.  I've always been a little awkward but I've never really had a problem talking to guys - usually it's just when I'm around a lot of people I don't know.  What trips me out is that he really isn't my type but there is something about him that just draws me to him.  It's good though because we're starting to talk more and I'm starting to get to know him better. 

Something else that has been on my mind lately is that I have been prophesied over and each time, I keep getting the message that my previous relationship with the ex didn't work because God had someone else waiting for me and that I would find him soon.  Maybe he is the one... I'm starting to feel that all of my hopes and dreams (especially getting married and having a family) will come to pass, that it's just a matter of time.  Every time I pray I keep hearing "just be patient, all in God's good time."  I guess all I can do is be patient.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Falling in love - advice needed!

Well it has been almost two months now since I was saved.  There is someone from church who I am slowly but surely starting to fall in love with.  I don't quite know what it is about him, God knows he's not really my type, plus he's about ten years older.  From the moment I saw him I felt something, idk what but it was something and now every time I see him this feeling just grows.  He usually makes his way to me to say hi and give me a hug.  I've been getting some mixed signals, sometimes it seems like he is interested and other times it's like he doesn't even notice me.  I really don't know what to do.  I want so badly to just get to know him, to start something with him, even if it is just a friendship but idk how to approach him.  I am so bloody shy and get all tongue-tied when I am around him.  It sucks because I have no idea how he feels or if he even feels anything at all, and I have to keep this quiet because I don't want everyone at church knowing my business, especially since he is the older brother of one of my friends - how do I tell her I'm falling for her brother??? I really don't know what to do, can anyone out there give me some advice??

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Your Calling

Your Calling

June 9, 2011

By Patrick J. Donadio

Roger Fields writes the following:

³My calling is sure. My challenge is big. My vision is clear. My desire is strong. My influence is eternal. My impact is critical. My values are solid.
My faith is tough. My mission is urgent. My purpose is unmistakable. My direction is forward. My heart is genuine. My strength is supernatural. My reward is promised. And my God is real.

³In a world of cynicism, I offer hope. In a world of confusion, I offer truth. In a world of immorality, I offer values. In a world of neglect, I offer attention. In a world of abuse, I offer safety. In a world of ridicule, I offer affirmation. In a world of division, I offer reconciliation. In a world of bitterness, I offer forgiveness. In a world of sin, I offer salvation. In a world of hate, I offer God¹s love.

³I refuse to be dismayed, disengaged, disgruntled, discouraged or distracted. Neither will I look back, stand back, fall back, go back or sit back. I do not need applause, flattery, adulation, prestige, stature or veneration. I do not have time for business as usual, mediocre standards, small thinking, outdated methods, normal expectations, average results, ordinary ideas, petty disputes or low vision. I will not give up, give in, bail out, lie down, turn over, quit or surrender.

³I will pray when things look bad. I will pray when things look good. I will move forward when others stand still. I will trust God when obstacles arise.
I will work when the task is overwhelming. I will get up when I fall down.²

If you could follow these positive words of encouragement you would succeed in any endeavor. Whatever your profession is, you can be the one who holds high the blood-stained banner of Christ. We should never give in to defeat or pull back. Our load may be heavy, but Christ has promised us strength to endure. Remember, He has never promised us sunshine without rain. Determine to accomplish what God has called you to do and never give up.